"I gained 3 inches and you can too."
No. No, I don't want to gain three inches. I am part of the feminine population who trends toward acquiring too much mass. An additional three inches anywhere on my person would require me to commence jiggle tests--those horrifying reviews of cheery chins, bat wings, banana folds, thunder thighs, and muffin tops. I am peeved enough by the slow encroachment of an inch-ish. I simply don't have time or sanity to cope with three inches.
So, MonsterWood@imadumbfuck.com, I slap you with #spamfail and banish you from my mailbox forthwith.